I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
