Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
