dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
