Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Randomize
