Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Fuck appropriateness.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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