I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
