I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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