Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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