Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
