I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
