all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
