First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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