I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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