I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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