the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
