and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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