we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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