so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
