I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
