it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
