i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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