Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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