Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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