Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
