The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
