I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
