if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
