Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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