there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
