she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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