Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
