thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
