She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
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Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
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I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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