The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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