Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
