you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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