Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
