That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
please come you make the beer taste better
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
