I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
