so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
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is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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