Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
