My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
