i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends