Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.