I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk