worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
