Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
