i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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