Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
