She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
