My liver just broke up with me...
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
