if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
