i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
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After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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