Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
