btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
