It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
