one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
