I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
not ubering you a puppy
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?