what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
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good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet