Your dad touched me again.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.